When I Was Still Me
by MsLanna
Summary: Lorna Kees is living a normal live, and she is happy with it. But then the mysterious Kestrel Ardens sweeps her off her feet. The landing is hard, and unexpected.
1. Chapter 1

When I was still me, I had the name Lorna Kees. When I looked into the mirror in the morning, I saw my face and knew who I was. The muddy green eyes staring back at me might have been disillusioned and sad, but they had been an integral part of who I am -- who I had been once, back when I was still Lorna Kees.

When I stand up now and look at the face in the mirror, my short brown hair seems so strange to me, as if it belongs to somebody else. The eyes staring back at me are full of questions.

_Who am I? _

Lorna Kees died not long ago -- disintegrated by the minions of Black Sun. And to think that Boba Fett almost had me then. I don't think I could have run -- not for long, anyway, not with such a bounty on my head. Well, almost doesn't count. But maybe I had better start at the beginning -- start when I was still me.

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When I was still me, I worked as an accountant at a small branch office of the Coruscant Ledger Bank. I can't say it was an especially interesting job, or that I had always wanted to do this kind of work, but it was where I ended up. And up it was from where I had started. Unlike my mother, I had managed to avoid getting pregnant early, being left by the father of the children, and living off welfare and nocturnal visitors.

I didn't want to end up like that. I had decided early that my life was to be completely different -- completely _normal_, if I had any say in it. So I had worked hard in school, received on-the-job training at the first place that hired me, and still worked at my desk happily every day. I had escaped of my mother's fate, and, being a good daughter, I even sent her some of my money, so she didn't have to welcome visitors at night anymore.

There were only two things I had to tick off my list fore achieving complete normality: a pet, and a guy to date. Since I couldn't buy the latter, I decided to get the pet first. It would have to be small and able to live in a cage, since I didn't have all that much time and space. And fluffy -- I definitely wanted fluffy.

So I found myself in a small pet shop, adoring little brown fur-balls called 'dengas' that did all the cute things sweet little fur-balls were supposed to do.

"Lovely, aren't they?"

I looked up. While I had been staring at the dengas like a mesmerized fool, I had missed the young man approach me. There was nothing eye-catching about him as he stood in simple brown clothes, his head crowned by a mop of unruly brown hair. He showed a small gap between his front teeth as he smiled at me.

"Do you want to get you some dengas?" he asked.

I nodded, looking from the small animals to him and back. "I want something small enough to fit into a cage, but big enough to play with," I admitted, tapping the transparisteel with my index finger.

"They are perfect for that," the stranger agreed. "But don't ever get just one. They are very social."

I looked at him again. "Do you know much about dengas?" I wanted to know.

"I breed them," he replied with a smile. "And sometimes I have a look around at what the other sellers have to offer. Would you like my hand or my card?" he asked with a wink, extending his hand at the same time. "Kestrel Ardens."

His hand was warm, his grip firm, and he immediately began to talk about dengas again. I found that I rather liked him. He told me that the dengas sold here were a bit too old to buy, especially if I wanted to tame them. It would be much easier, if they were younger, and…

… and it didn't surprise me much that we ended up in a small tapcafe together. Kestrel's knowledge about dengas was boundless. While I was slowly sipping my stim-caf, he talked about raising them, taming them, medicating and training them. I only had to nod and every now and then and utter sounds of interest. It was such a pleasing and easy conversation.

"If you want," Kestrel said suddenly, "I can give you the address of a friend, he builds the cages for me -- very good at it and with reasonable prices, too." He smiled, but the question in his eyes seemed to be a different one than that he just asked. "If you measure the space in your flat where you want to keep them, he'll build the cage with the most convenient shape with biggest volume."

I smiled back at him, and looked into my empty cup feeling a bit uncertain. I looked back at Kestrel and the almost pleading gleam in his eyes, and decided that I would rather like to see him again, dengas or no.

"That would be nice," I replied, a bit angry with myself for not being able to find something to replace that horrible commonplace with. Knowing I was blushing I asked "Would it be better if you came along?"

It was; and additionally, it was a perfect excuse for exchanging our comm data. I felt my cheeks flush as I told him the numbers, half wondering half hoping I'd now get the man before I got pets.

On the way home I felt like whistling, or skipping, but I didn't. Nothing could be done about my broad grin though.

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I managed to get a date with him at the very same weekend. Amazed at my own boldness, I had asked him to come over Saturday afternoon and bring a measuring tape. And after the call I spent every free minute cleaning, tidying and worrying that I had not been thorough enough. So much, that I almost forgot to take a shower myself.

When it finally rang, I had gone from worrying about each piece of furniture and decoration to worrying about several hair styles, none, too much, or too little make up and had just begun to worry about the content of my fridge. I rushed to the door, stopped and took a deep breath. Straightening my hair and clothes with a quick gesture I closed my eyes and exhaled. 'Just appear normal,' I told myself.

I yanked the door open and beamed at Kestrel. "Hello. Come in. Did you have any problems finding it?" My mouth began to work on automatic, trying its best to keep my mind from spinning. I already dreaded the moment my brain caught up on the chatter.

But right then, he did not deem to mind. He shook my hand firmly, a soft pull in his direction telling me that he would rather a different greeting, but didn't dare. I ushered him into the living room and pointed at the corner next to the holoscreen. I had removed the shelves that had mainly contained data cards and a collection of shoulder-claps figurines. I didn't think I'd ever get the chance to wear one of those anyway.

While he inspected the walls and floor, I tried not to flutter around like a mad hen. I tried to get my bearings to normal. "Would you like something to drink?"

He looked from his small scanner to me and smiled. His eyes seemed to sparkle, but that might just have been a trick of the light. They were light grey. "If it does not make too much trouble. Any kind of soft drink would be nice."

I almost bolted to the fridge, but remembered my good manner just in time to stop myself. "No trouble at all," I assured him. "I'll be back in a second."

A few moments later, I balanced two glasses and a bottle of sparkling sweetwater on a tray back into the room. Kestrel was typing measurements into his pad. When he saw me enter he waved me to him.

"How far into the room would you want it to protrude?" He showed the approximate measurements with his arms and I tried to concentrate of the amount of space it would take from the room.

"Can it be larger on top?" I wanted to know. "Then the cage could -"

"They will gnaw a lot, and you would have the debris all over the living room," Kestrel interjected with a smile.

I blushed and shrugged helplessly. "I guess, I didn't think." I looked at the corner and tried to appear intelligent for a change. "A little more than the length of my arm would be perfect. Otherwise it'd look too much like a foreign body."

I put my back to the wall an arms length away from the other wall and then put my hand next to my shoulder. Keeping a finger on the point I extracted myself and suddenly thought that it must have looked ridiculous. "Like about here?"

Kestrel only smiled and marked the spot with a bit of black colour. "That will be enough space for at least five dengas," he said smiling. "I would advise to put in an extra floor to separate the top of cage. That way you can keep them close until they are tame and come of their own account."

He took his pad to the couch and, after sitting down, typed some more calculations. I followed him sheepishly, sitting down next to him uncomfortably. He didn't seem to notice. To keep myself busy I poured two glasses of sweetwater and sipped on mine.

Finally he came to an end with his notes and turned to me. "This should be all you need." He gave me a datacard. "The measurements, the separating floor, house and toys included." He smiled.

Our hands touched, when I took the card, and I could feel myself shake a little. I only wished I knew the right procedures for a case like this, and before my bumbling mouth took over, too. Which was wishful thinking.

"Thank you, this is so nice of you." I heard myself say. And before I could stop myself, "I hope it was not taking to much of your time-"

Fortunately, Kestrel interrupted me. "No need to apologise. I enjoyed doing it. And I liked having an excuse to show up here."

He smiled and my heart began to flutter. So I was not alone with my sentiments, which was good. Still I needed to express them in a way that would not scare him away. Which was difficult.

"So, do you want to visit my friend now, or would you rather go to a holoflick with me?"

What a stupid question.

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As it turned out, I had to go to his friend alone. Kestrel had a strange job. His boss called him just whenever, and Kestrel would have to run errands or make deliveries. But the pay was good, he said, and usually he had all the time in the world. Usually.

Well, at least he had informed me in time and I had not stood at the corner of the block like ordered and not collected. Instead I stood in my hall for endless moments wondering whether to go, or just cancel the meeting. In the end I decided that I should be my own person and able to do things like that without back-up. We did have an appointment, and his friend would understand. I hoped.

He did. Sigur Simmons was as nice as Kestrel, but completely different. An explosion of red hair grew on his head, which he seemed to try to smooth with his hands a lot, but to no avail. He was not much taller than me and very thin. Wiry and tough, probably because he did so much construction work. When he shook my hand, I could feel the calluses on his hand, and his grip felt, as if it would break my hand.

But he was friendly from the start on. "Silly bugger," he admonished Kestrel. "I told him a hundred times to drop that job and get something reliable. You know what he told me? That he doesn't need reliable, since he had no commitments." Sigur snorted. "I hope that this will teach him."

"It's not much of a commitment," I told him.

But he only winked, slapped me on the back and led me into his workshop.

I had never before been in a place that smelled of wood so strongly. On a world where woods were not to be found and every log had to be transgalactically imported, wood was a luxury. Most furniture was made of cheaper duraplas or steel. I had made a point of buying a wooden table for my living room, it was my own proof for how well off I was.

Sigur's workshop didn't look as if it ever saw anything but wood. Flakes of it covered the ground, huge beams leaned against one wall and all kinds of boards were stacked neatly in long rows of shelves. I had no idea wood could be so colourful, either. Beneath all shades of brown, black and ochre there were greys, greens and even a few reds and blues. You could have made a rainbow from that wood.

I must have stared, because Sigur gave me a tour of the shelves. "Most of them are not that expensive," he explained. "The really rare stuff I keep locked up, no need to invite theft."

He let me feel the textures of the different woods and for a while I had completely forgotten, why I had come.

"Kestrel has measured a cage for my living room," I said groping for the datacard in my pockets.

"He told me about that," Sigur chuckled. "In very many words. And I already have the right stuff for you."

"Wood?" I asked incredulous. "But they will gnaw it all to pieces."

Now he laughed outright. "There is wood much harder than their teeth," he assured me. "That is the advantage if you can choose from different planets."

I followed him back into the work area and her showed me small samples of wood. They were incredibly hard, even if I had bitten them, my teeth would not have left a mark. I was sure that they were expensive. Maybe Kestrel had not thought of that when he had sent me here.

Longingly, I turned a piece of dark red-brown wood in my hands. Certainly, it would look so beautiful, it even matched the highlight of my living room walls, it would be so perfect with the light ochre wallpaper, and it felt so good, not to mention that the dengas would be so much happier in a cage made of something natural…

I sighed. "I don't think I can afford it."

"Don't worry, it's not that expensive. What really costs is the installation, but I will make you a special price there. Otherwise Kestrel might just kill me. " He winked.

"I'm not sure if I can accept that," I objected.

"You rather have me terminated by Kestrel?" Sigur was mock shocked. "You are a hard woman, Miss Kees." And he pouted so exaggeratedly that I had to laugh.

"Okay, I'll take it. But only if you promise to make a fair price - for both sides."

Before I could go on, he grabbed my hand and shook it vigorously. I was amazed I didn't bounce up and down with the movement.

"Deal! I will come, oh, about three weeks from now to set it up."

And that was it. Too surprised to protest, I was moved out of the shop and sat in the next transport home, blinking my eyes rapidly. This was all going a little too fast.


	2. Chapter 2

Three weeks later, things were still going much too fast, but by then I had gotten used to the speed. Kestrel called every day, and we met often, very often. I don't think I have ever been to so many holoflicks, play, games or dances in my whole life. It was a small fight to convince Kestrel that I could very well pay for myself. He did look hurt at first, but when he realized it was a matter of dignity for me, he gave in. Though sometimes I did have to be pretty fast to beat him to the bill.

And I got used to his protective behaviour. He opened doors, carried bags, helped into coats, and constantly brought flowers and chocolates. More often than not, tickets were already paid for, too. I felt pampered from head to toe, but the happy smile on his face when he could any of those things for me, forbade any contrary actions. I only talked him out of the chocolates, hinting at the less than desirable effect they would have on my figure. He said he'd love every singe pound of me, but ceased, anyway.

Instead he began bringing tea in all varieties, arguing that I could not oppose to that since it was calorie free. And suddenly I had something to talk about at work. Trin was interested in every single detail of my perfect lover. I told her we were not quite that far, but she only answered, "not yet, my dear, not yet." And I blushed and hoped and feared she was right.

Today I hoped and feared even more than usually, because Kestrel had invited me to see his dengas. I was thrilled by the suggestion, and also curious what his home would be like. Even though he had mentioned it a few times, I could not make myself a clear picture. I imagined it to be vast, white and somewhat sterile because he had said it was too big for one person and he didn't really feel at home there.

To my astonishment, the address he had given me brought me to an industrial area of Coruscant. If the city had had outskirts, this would have been it. I stepped out of the transport and looked around unsure where to turn. I slowly began to walk down the street, when suddenly I was grabbed from behind.

"Lorna!" I was more than relived to recognize Kestrel's voice. "Don't say I scared you. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to," he immediately apologised when he saw the expression on my face. He embraced me and whispered into my ear, "I won't do that again, I promise."

I nodded, slowly coming out of the shock. "This is a strange place to live, Kestrel." I looked around.

"Oh," he laughed. "Such a sweet misconception, I don't live here. I think any landlord and most neighbours would complain badly about having a denga farm in their house. As you will see, the big lot of them makes a lot of noise as well as smelling rather strong."

He led me into a side street, past warehouses and what seemed to be production facilities of some sort. Finally he opened a small door that was set in a huge gate and we entered his farm. I understood immediately what he had meant about the smell. It was overpowering, not necessarily bad, but very rodenty. The air was warm and there was short hair floating on the currents, dancing in the light slanting through the high-set windows.

I sneezed, and was rewarded wit a flurry of sounds, squeaks, meeps and many tiny feet scurrying across different surfaces. The room we had entered held no dengas, though. Instead it was stuffed with boxes and crates, probably containing cages, foods and such. A desk was wedged into a corner and overflowing with random flimsies, food packs and feeding dishes. It was surrounded by shelves and shelves of folders which were numbered neatly.

Through a small passage in the crates we got into the back part of the warehouse. The light fell brightly though huge windows, all of which seemed to be a little ajar. The air smelled of hay, and wood - and of course of warm denga fur. Rows and rows of cages in all sizes were arranged in the room, some set apart, some touching, some even connected by transparent tubes.

On each cage was a sign stating the number of inhabitants, a number for each and sometimes a name. From the folders I had seen, I guessed the numbers referred to a folder which contained all important information about a given animal. I chose a random cage and peered inside. A nose was all I could see, sticking out from a shelter. It sniffed the air anxiously and squeaked excitedly every now and then.

"They are rather shy when strangers are around," Kestrel explained. "Since I don't intend to sell most of them, I don't bother to get them accustomed to strangers. Except me nobody ever comes here." He picked at the mesh. "Oh, I forgot Sigur," he added suddenly.

Made curious by the scratching sound, the denga was persuaded to leave its shelter and run up to Kestrel's finger. It sniffed eagerly and then began to lick his finger tip. I gasped.

"And old trick," Kesterl laughed. "Very useful to impress. Here- put some salt on your finger, too."

I dipped the tip of my index finger into the fine powder he offered me and pressed it against the mesh. The other inhabitants had by then realized that there was something so be gotten and hurried to get their share. I felt the tiny tongues licking at my finger and giggled.

"They are so sweet, Kestrel!"

"Look over here," he said, pulling me to a cage that was set apart in a corner. He didn't scratch the mesh this time and signalled me to be quiet. I tiptoed along looking into the cage. Nothing seemed to move in it. I read the sign, but that was inconclusive, too. I wanted to ask Kestrel what this was about, but he only put his finger over his lips and smiled.

So we waited. After a while something stirred under a heap of grass and cotton. A tiny nose stuck out and the baby denga gave off a high-pitched cheep. Then it struggled free of the grasses and began to explore its surroundings. Soon a second followed and a third until five tiny dengas played in the wood chips. I held my breath so I would not squeal and scare them away.

Kestrel put his arm around my shoulders and squeezed me. I laid my head on his shoulder, but I must have moved to quick, because there was a scared squeak from the heap and with light speed the small fur balls had retreated into the safety of their home again.

"Those are really easy to scare," I sighed.

"It will get better when they grow up. But those are still very young. They cannot be separated from their mother for some weeks."

He led me back to the storage room. I was sure he wanted to say something else, but we were surprised by Sigur who stood at the desk. He had come to see Kestrel, but my presence seemed to surprise him.

"I didn't know you had a visitor," he greeted Kestrel as we approached him.

"You already know Lorna," Kestrel said, giving me a squeeze. "I was just showing her the dengas." Then he took Sigur's hand and shook it heartily. "What brings you here?"

"Well," Sigur hedged and looked nervously at me. "My boss, sent me about those boxes- " he broke of again and fidgeted.

"Boxes? Which boxes? The whole warehouse is full with them, my friend."

"Ah, Kestrel, try to be cooperative, please. I'm talking about the large ones, with the custom products in them."

Kestrel raised a brow and appeared to be thinking, not catching Sigur's meaning.

"I'm supposed to get them back," Sigur went on. "The, ahh, lacquering is poisonous to your dengas and, so the boss said…"

"_Those_ boxes!" Kesterl interrupted him. He glanced sideways at me. "Yes, yes, I will make them ready. Such a pity. Ehr, can you come to collect them later this afternoon??"

Visibly relieved Sigur nodded. "I'll bring some friends to help me carry them. And about Lorna," he paused. "Things are proceeding nicely?"

I was not sure if that was a question or a statement. Surely Kestrel had told him about our relationship, or hadn't he? I looked at him, but he was still concentrating.

"Yes, all wonderful, Sigur. After you put up the cage, everything should be ready."

The red-haired man smiled broadly at me, but I was confused. "Everything is fine then. I'll tell the boss." He turned and left.

"Is there something, I should know, Kestrel?"

He squeezed my arm and smiled mischievously. "No, nothing you _should_ know, my dear. And if Sigur blabs a single word, I'll kill him with my own hands."

Though he smiled warmly at me, I could not shake the feeling that something was going on.

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I stood staring at the empty cage in my living room. it was beautiful, the dark wood gleamed in the soft light and it smelled wonderful. I inhaled deeply savouring the scent of the fresh hay and litter. Sigur had provided me with it, when he had set up the cage. Working with wood, he had explained, there was so many splinters and shavings that he only needed to sweep it all together to provide me with more than I'd ever need. I was deeply grateful, because I didn't think I could have afforded the wood chips otherwise and my future dengas would have had to walk on plastic.

I had often stood in front of the brand new cage in the last week. Ever since Sigur had hinged the last door I imagined to put little baby dengas into their new home and watch them. But Kestrel had said he wanted to accompany me when I bought them, so I'd really get good animals. He had seen some that died a few days after being sold because they had been separated to early or were sick.

I sighed. How I wished he was here. Of course, his job had kicked in at the most inconvenient time. He was gone for at least a week, having to make deliveries to Sluis Van, Corellia, and a bunch of small planets which I didn't care to remember. He did send me holorecording from everywhere, and promised me trinkets from each planet, except the one which sported only sand and slugs, as he explained.

I kept the small collection of holocubes on the table in the living room and replayed them often. Sigur had come over with a holoflick to cheer me up one evening, but, thought I appreciated, it didn't help any. Besides the movie was a horrible zombie-Sith rip-off with loads of false blood and torn off limbs. It was more fun to watch Sigur inhaling his snacks than the flick.

Tidying didn't distract me either. And I had cleaned everything ten times over already, I had even invited the girls from work over for a girl's night, including the right movies, sparkling drinks and all that. But they were much too interested in Kestrel, the wonder man, and talking about him, though it felt good, only made me miss him more. I was pathetic.

I sat down to replay some of the cubes again. I like the one from Corellia best, it was dark and Kestrel stood on a broad street. Neon lights flashed on and off, bathing his face in a multitude of different colours. He smiled broadly, pointing and explaining things I could hardly discern in the background. I so longed to be there with him and see all of it for myself. Maybe, one day, we could travel together -

The chime of the door pulled me out of the pleasant daydream of me and Kestrel on Corellia. With a sigh, I got up and prepared myself for the sight of Sigur, probably with another movie. He meant well, but I was not surprised he didn't have a girlfriend.

But to my complete surprise, it was Kestrel. A grin split his face in half, which turned rather self-satisfied, when he saw my expression.

"Surprise!" He embraced me before I got out a single word, and ushered me back inside. "I managed to hurry things up a little and thought you might appreciate a small surprise visit. Sigur told me about his valiant attempt." He stopped to look at me concerned. "I hope you can forgive him."

"I already have," I replied laughing. "He was such a sight, watching this horrible movie and gobbling down tons of snacks on the way. And I know he meant well."

"That's good." Kestrel seemed relieved. "And - oh, wow, he has really outdone himself."

We had reached the living room, and Kestrel stopped in front of the new cage. He knocked on a beam and rattled at the mesh.

"He didn't blab anything else, though, did he?" Kestrel looked anxious, but I shook my head, trying to put that unsettling conversation out of my mind. I did not have long to think, because Kestrel procured a small box seemingly out of nowhere.

"Surprise again, darling!"

I took the box as carefully as he handed it over to me, and immediately felt the movement inside it. My eyes grew wide as I looked up at Kestrel again.

"You didn't-"

"I did."

He smiled and clasped my hands that were still around the box. "Sigur can be glad he held his tongue on this surprise. They were old enough, so I stopped at the storehouse and got you the batch. Unfortunately one was a male, so there's only four of them now.."

Suddenly Kestrel leaned forwards and kissed me. It was good that the box of dengas was between us, and all the better that it managed to keep our hands occupied. I was acutely aware of his hands over mine and the rattling of the small rodents in the box in them, and his lips carefully prying my surprised mouth open.

It was as well that one of the dengas chose that very moment to stick its nose through a breathing hole and gently bit me into a finger. I yelp and almost dropped the box.

Kestrel laughed, and softly took the box from my hands. "They don't like it in there. So we should better let them out, before we - go on." He winked at me and I blushed. If the dengas hadn't been there, I don't think we'd have made it out of the room for going on.

"I'll hand them to you, and you can name them each, before you put them in, okay?"

I nodded and opened the cage close to the wooden house. Sigur had brought some surprise gifts for my future pets I hadn't thought of yet. Besides the house, the cage was stuffed with toys of all kinds, huge nut shells, ladders, a running wheel, pieces of wood lined up on chains and even some gnarled roots.

Nervously, I dried my hands on my trousers before I took the first baby denga. "Dita," I said. "Meeper, Sweeter and - Fluff." I had no choice; the last of the dengas looked as if a hair drier had exploded on it. If you could have held it upright at it's tail, it would have resembled nothing more than brown cotton-candy with whiskers.

The tiny rodents seemed happy enough to hide themselves in their new house immediately, though. Only one peeked out, probably on guard duty, cheeping loudly every now and then. I was not sure if it was natural shyness, or if they wanted to give Kestrel and me the opportunity to continue where we stopped. There was only so long you could spend watching the nose of a denga, even if it went 'meep' occasionally.

It was the first night, Kestrel slept at my place, but when he didn't leave again, I didn't mind.

I got my pets and man at the same day. Now I was really normal.

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**Author's Note**: Cover Art can be found through the link in my profile.


	3. Chapter 3

I liked coming home. After a whole day at work, it felt good to know I would not be alone in my flat, or at least, not very long. Kestrel had moved in a month ago, and surprisingly enough, it seemed to work wonderfully.

Kestrel had an odd job, running errands for a strange but rich guy at all and any times of the day. It meant he had usually a lot of spare time to share with me, but with a little bad luck, got called away in the middle of a dinner or play. Worst was, when he was called in the middle of the night. He managed to slip away without waking me, but waking up in the morning with the bed next to me empty, was all the horror I could bear.

He had begun to leave me little notes, so I'd know he hadn't run off, after he found me crying over my breakfast one morning. Kestrel was just the sweetest guy ever. And today's note had promised a little surprise for tonight. Maybe he had finally gotten around to installing the tub for two. I hummed as I climbed up the steps.

When I unlocked the door, hands closed over my eyes, and a well-known voice whispered into my ear, "No looking." I was turned around, and after a long kiss, Kestrel released me. "Take of your shoes and socks," he said.

I complied and he led me into the flat, his hands clasped over my eyes again. It smelled strange inside, of warm roses, sweet fresh and suffocating at once. After he had kicked the door shut behind me, he took his hands away and I saw - very little at first. The hall was lit dimly from a soft light that flickered at the far end in the living room.

Kestrel took my hand and gently pulled me on. But when I sat down my bare foot, my sole touched something soft and cool. I raised the foot again, and then realized, that the same stuff was under my other foot as well. I peered into the gloom, slowly following Kestrel, but only just before I entered the living room, I realized that is was petals. My whole hall was strewn with petals, and so thick, that I could hardly see the floor, too.

Amazed I looked at Kestrel, but he only winked and motioned me on. A path of petals lead through the living room to the sofas. On the floor bowls wish swimming candles in all colours between red a yellow stood, spreading a soft flickering light. All shutters were shut tightly and the couch had been draped with red velvet. I sat down, amazement all over my face. This was much more than a little surprise!

On the table was champagne in a cooler, two glasses, expensive-looking chocolates ad a bowl of floating roses. Kestrel sat next to me, his face earnest and he seemed a little nervous. I smiled at him and wanted to say something, but he put his finger over my mouth.

"I'm not sure how you do this," said, "so I consulted some books. They didn't agree on many things, though, so -" He broke off and shrugged apologetic. Suddenly he took one of the swimming roses and knelt down. A difficult task between the couch and the table, but it looked natural on him.

"Lorna, I know, we don't know each other for very long, and maybe you think it is a bit hasty, but - I just have to try." Miraculously the rose in his hand suddenly opened and revealed a thin silver ring. "Will you marry me?"

I sat thunderstruck. With Kestrel there could be only one answer, anyway, but that he felt like it, too, and already. I felt tears rise and swallowed hard, hoping to get a word around the lump in my throat.

"Yes," I whispered, and, fortunately, did not have to say anything else, because Kestrel buried me in a suffocating embrace.

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Of course it was Trin who spotted the ring first when I came to work on the following day. I had to recount the whole tale and earned a fair share of 'oh's and 'ah's.

"Where did you say you got him from?" Trin asked wistfully.

"A pet shop," I laughed and Trin joined me, because it was actually funny. "Sometimes I think it's all just a dream because it's going so fast. I'm afraid to wake up and-"

"Ms Kees," my boss called from his office. "Could I talk to you for a moment."

Mr. Blindgen was one of the few whose questions always ended with a full stop. I winked at Trin. "I'll be back in a second." I was not worried, Blindgen had no reason to criticize my work. I suspected it had something to do with the tense atmosphere that had come up lately. Often I had seen some colleagues standing together talking with low voices and frowning a lot.

"Sit," Mr. Blindgen told me, and I dutifully took the seat in front of his desk. "Do you know why I called you."

I shook my head. "Not really, sir. But I think it has to do with the trouble that has arisen lately. I didn't think it affected me, because so far nobody told me about it."

He looked at me intently. "It seems, somebody has used our establishment to wash huge sums of money," he finally said.

That was a problem. The Coruscant Ledger Bank was small, but exclusive. Our customers were as exclusive and their money could easily have bought an arm of the galaxy. And if they got worried, we could as well just close the business.

"How did they manage?"

"We do not know yet," he leaned back and steepled his fingers. "It was done through your access, though."

My access? I gasped. "But how…?"

I began, breaking off when the implications suddenly hit me. Somebody was using my account, and the logical conclusion was, that it was me, or that I was involved. I swallowed.

"I am not involved," I said, looking him straight in the eye. "I promise, and I'm willing to do any test to prove it."

Blindgen nodded. "A little research has already showed, that the transfers were made while you have not been here. More research has even provided alibis for all occasions."

My forehead wrinkled in thought. "But that does not make any sense," I said. "If somebody used my account, wouldn't it be much more sensible to use it while it seems to be me?"

"Our thought exactly. Except, if that somebody wanted to screen you." He looked prompting.

My thoughts raced, but I could think of nothing to say. Finally I shrugged helplessly. "I really have no idea, sir. Maybe if we changed the access data…"

Again Blindgen nodded. "That is what we thought. If you would just pay a visit to our security and have your iris pattern taken. Those are the most difficult to fake." He looked as if he was about to say something else, but nothing came.

I stood up. "If there is anything else I can do to help, or if you want to monitor me," I offered. "I love my job and I'd do anything to keep it."

Blindgen smiled at that. "I know you would be the last one to endanger your job. Which is the only reason you are not fired instantly," he replied quietly.

Swallowing again, I thanked him and left. This was bad. This was really bad. I even forgot to talk to Trin before I left for the security.

It was a long and tiring procedure and having my retina scan taken took the least of it. There were endless questions, repeated questions, unrelated questions and some rather private questions. And I had only a few answers, which were not only always the same, but obviously inconclusive, bordering on the boring.

Still everything was filed away carefully and the question of monitoring was left carefully unanswered. I wondered if I should tell them that it would actually make me feel better, if they kept an eye on me. It would certainly prove my innocence.

"Take some choco-caf, you look as if a horde of banthas trampled over you."

Gratefully, I took the offered cup and sipped carefully. "I fell like it, too. But I'm not sure if I can tell you."

Trin nodded. "The grim face on Blindgen's face was a dead giveaway of how seriousness this is. And if you don't know if you can't talk about it, I'm sure I don't even want to know."

Putting an arm around my shoulders she led me back to our desks. But I couldn't make myself start again. I stared at the monitor for minutes, not sure if my mind was a blank, or if my thoughts were just racing so fast, I couldn't see them.

"Hey, don't worry so much," Trin's voice reached me. "At least you now have somebody at home who will help you handle things."

I smiled at her but didn't answer, I was not sure if I could talk about this to Kestrel. I was not worried about keeping it secret, but also, what he might think of me, if I told him. Would he believe me, or would he think I was taking advantage of my position at the bank. I rubbed my temples vigorously and set to work. The problem should be solved now, anyway.


	4. Chapter 4

It seemed that Trin was right and worrying to much didn't help. Also, it seemed that after changing my account to retina access only, no more incidents happened. When I once managed to ask Blindgen, he shook his head. But from his stance I could see that he believed it was not over yet. Whoever managed to gain access to our money would certainly try again. I felt for him, but there was nothing I could do to help except being extra vigilant and careful.

Kestrel did not press the matter when I came home all worn down. Instead of questions I got tea and a massage.  
"Of course there are things you cannot tell me," he had said. "You're working in a bank and there_ is _something called banking confidentiality."

I had sighed and wished there wasn't but since he was so cool with it, I let it drop, too. Sometimes Kestrel's understanding and compassion were almost spooky. And he seemed to know exactly what I thought all the time. But I loved him for it, and he didn't seem to expect the same of me.

Just when the tension had let off, he collected me from work. I was surprised, because he never had done that before. But from the grin on his face, I could see that he had something planned.

"Ready for another culinary adventure?" he asked while he linked his arm into mine.

"If it is not alive again, I'm game, " I replied, remembering the last adventure with mixed feelings. Though Mon Calamari clam fish could not be called sentient, and seemed to be half vegetable, too, eating them alive with fried rica seeds had been borderline disgusting.

"No, not this time, darling," he leaned over and gave me a peck on the cheek. "I got us a reservation in the 'All Oceans'."

"You didn't!" I kept being amazed how he managed to get tables in the most exclusive restaurants in this part of Cosucant. The kind, that didn't display prices in their menus and had a waiter stand by in case you dared try and put you food on your plate yourself. I had earned a lot of annoyed glances.

"I don't have to eat any of the possibly poisonous fish, do I?"

"Of course not." Kestrel squeezed my arm. "What would I do with a poisoned fiancée, anyway. I prefer you alive very much." He whispered that last part into my ear, tickling it in the process and I giggled. Encouraged by my reaction, he kissed the inside of my ear before straightening up again.

"You will certainly find something to eat, Lorna. As the name says, they serve fish from all oceans in the galaxy."

And they did. I had expected their menu to be as big as one of the old flimsy books in the museum, but it was not. The slim volume had hardly ten pages, and I guessed that only the really expensive dishes from any given ocean made it into it. Half-sentient clam fish did, fortunately, not fall into that category.

Obliging to my wish, Kestrel had chosen a giant crustacean that was not poisonous the least bit and, additionally, also the least likely to entice allergic reactions. The huge thing was peeled out of its carapace right on our table, and its breast plate fell into two neat halves that turned into our plates.

Obediently, I waited until the waiter (now I know where the name comes from) had spooned tiny, fried pollywogs over my rainbow-coloured algae salad and then did the same for Kestrel. It took all self-control I could muster, during the pâté-filled sucker, Kestrel had hinted at another big surprise and I was dying from excitement.

"So this is what I thought," Kestrel said while the waiter, who wore a uniform in a dark burgundy colour, poured us wine of the same hue. He waited until we were alone before he continued.

"I know this is all a little fast and I can't expect you to settle the date of the wedding any day soon, but still I'd just love to go on a holiday with you. Like an advanced honeymoon, so to speak. I'd so love to show you some of the galaxy's wonders."

I almost dropped my cutlery. "But, but, I don't even know when I'll get free," I blurted out. "And who will look after the dengas?"

"Oh, I am sure Sigur can take care of them," Kestrel said. " He can take care of about anything." He smiled again. "And don't worry about your work. We can take the next free slot. The more time we have to plan, the greater the anticipation."

I considered his words, and he was probably right. It did not really matter when we could go, just the fact that we would, was already wonderful. And maybe Blindgen would be rather happy to dump me on a holiday with all that happened. I moved my algae around on my plate, thinking. And Sigur, well, if Kestrel said he could care for Meeper, Dita, Sweeter and Fluff, I believed him.

"How did you meet Sigur?"

"Oh," Kestrel seemed surprised by the sudden change of topic. He looked arpund before he answered. "It was through my boss, actually. Sigur, well, he's always been good with - wood and the shaping of it. And my boss had some special things to be made. I was sent to do the negotiations."

"Did you connect well immediately? he seems such a nice guy."

"No we didn't connect well, at first," Kestrel laughed. "It probably because you're such a pretty girl and my friend, too." He winked at me and I had to laugh, too. After a small pause he went on.

"Sigur was not very happy with the wishes of my boss and tried to con him. But my boss does not take such things well. I had to intervene for Sigur's good, or he might be - disreputed now."

There was a rather long break before disreputed and I wondered why. After all, what could a single man do to the reputation of a good carpenter?

"How is you boss, Kestrel? You never talk about him."

He looked a little embarrassed, and took a sip of wine before answering.

"I don't know him that well, after all, I'm just an errand boy." he shrugged apologetically. "But he's rather reclusive and - easily bored. I think that's normal for a man who can buy everything. Nothing really interest him for long."

"Not even women?"

"Oh, he likes them overall, but he doesn't stay long with a single one. Though, usually he pays them off rather well, for never calling again. As I said, highly eccentric."

"Have I ever heard of him?" I asked. That mysterious employer sounded intriguing.

This time, Kestrel clearly hedged. "Only if you know royalty," he finally replied. "He's a real prince, even owns a skyhook and all."

I was disappointed. If there was one thing that did not interest me the least, it was royal families and their never-ending appearances in the yellow press. I sighed.

"Have you ever thought of changing your job? I mean, if we really want to start a family-" I stopped blushing.

For a second Kestrel looked bitter, but it might only have been a trick of the light. "What else could I do, honey? I have no education, and the only reason I can keep this job is because I know how to keep my mouth shut about the boss and his projects and because he trusts me. What else could I do with those assets?"

I looked at him over the table, the candle light flickering over his features. I had never thought of him as an uneducated man, he always was so clever and witty and he seemed to know everything. For the first time I found myself wondering about his childhood and the life he had when he was not with me.

"I'm sorry, Kestrel," I mumbled and began to shove the remains of my food around.

For a while he didn't answer. "I could have told you, but it's a topic I like to avoid," he finally said.

Our waiter took our plates away and refilled our glasses.

"It's okay, I won't bring up the topic again, dear," I promised and looked into his eyes. I could already see his good humour return. "I - I didn't think, and of course, you can take any job you like."

"Or get," he interrupted.

"Yeah, that too." I smiled at him, while a huge plate of dessert was placed between us. It smelled of deep fried dough, honey and other things. I took up my spoon and began to eat, hoping the embarrassment would go away, when I did the next best more embarrassing thing. Like starting to eat without waiting for Kestrel.

"That is what I love about you," he suddenly said and took my hand across the table.

I looked from my spoon to him and back questioningly. Eating dessert did not seem to be an asset to me.

"You are so uncomplicated and always ready to try out new things." He laughed. "Not many women would just try Selonian sweetfish with honey and ice cream."

I eyes my spoon carefully. _Sweetfish, huh?_ Not that it mattered now. I had eaten fish with honey and ice cream, and I had to admit that I liked it. Not that much taste from the fish made it past the honey that dripped abundantly out of the enveloping dough once you cut the slices open.

"It's good," I assured Kestrel, not sure what he expected from me. "I like the hot honey with ice cream and, " I picked one of the things out of the ice cream that looked like biscuits. "this is probably chocolate covered algae, but so what?"

Kestrel smiled and let go of my other hand. "We will have so much fun on our tour, love."

We waited outside the restaurant for the cab and I felt dizzy from the wine, the food, and the outlook of me and Kestrel on a galaxy spanning pleasure cruise. The whole cityscape wafted in brilliant colours, which I could not remember from arriving. Suddenly, a stinging pain shot through my stomach and all went black.


	5. Chapter 5

I woke up and found the world a lot more dizzy than it used to be. My head hurt horribly and everything seemed to spin around me. In intervals Kestrel's worried face passed me by and I think he was talking - I saw his lips move. But with everything else moving of its own accord too, I could not be sure. I rubbed my face with my right hand and tried to sit up.

It did not help. Now I was spinning within the room still turning around me and immediately got sick. The rest of me seemed to work pretty fine, because I managed to reach the 'fresher in record time. And just in time to feel horribly sick over the white porcelain basin of doom. I didn't feel like leaving for a long time.

But finally I got up, and the room stopped spinning wildly. Or it was the other way round, my head was a mess - inside and outside, too, I realized when I looked into the mirror. I tried to wash away the ugly taste in my mouth with water, and stared at the ugly girl in the mirror. She looked like a bantha had slept on her face.

I spit out the water and put mint flavour into the rest before I tried washing my mouth again. The mint burned as if the skin inside my mouth was raw and I hoped it would burn the taste away if nothing else. But something about my face was strange, maybe I had just stared at it too long and it had turned all funny, but, no there it was. My right eye was all red, some veins must have burst somehow. Softly I touched it. My left eye was not so battered. Strange.

I spit out the mint water, ignoring the slightly pink colour it had taken and took another swallow. Yes, my right eye was definitely out of shape. And was that a white ring running around it? I peered intently into the mirror. Yes, it was. A thin white line went once round my right eye, as if something had been pressed tightly to the skin for a while and had then been taken off. I began to shake. My hand gripped the rim of the sink tightly, and I spurted out the mouthful of water. Somebody had messed with my eye, with my identification for the bank!

Somebody - Kestrel.

There was a soft tap on the door and he came in, eyeing me carefully. "Are you any better?" His voice was soft and full of concern. Slowly he walked up to me, laying a hand on my shoulder.

I could not stop shaking. I held on to the sink for dear life and fought the rising tears.

"Don't worry," he soothed me. "I have already giving the sick-certificate to your boss. You can go back to bed, or into the tub." Gently, he squeezed my shoulder. "But I must insist on staying with you for the latter, I don't want you to drown." He smiled at me through the mirror.

Weakly, I smiled back. "Bed," I whispered. "And doctor."

Kestrel picked me up gingerly and carried me back to our bed. He even took the time to tuck me in like a child and put a glass of water on the bedside locker. He looked tempted to kiss me on the forehead, but thought better of it. "I'll call doctor Trenna and tell him to come as soon as possible, ok?"

He blew me a kiss and left.

Whatever Kestrel had told doctor Trenna, he arrived only an hour later looking very worried and fussing more than ever. He was my general practitioner since I could decide myself and had left the quack who took my mothers money. He tried to run up to my bed as circumspect as possible and looked rather funny. I might have laughed, but the headache had returned with a vengeance.

"Oh, my dear!" he exclaimed. "Kestrel told me all about it, I just hope he's right suspecting a food poisoning."

While I doubted that Kestrel had told Trenna 'all' and also did not believe in an accidental poisoning, I did not object. I was afraid, that Kestrel might do something to me, when he found out that I knew he used me to wash money. 'Huge sums' Mr. Blindgen had called it, and I somehow doubted the money belonged to Kestrel at all. Who was his boss? A royal underworld boss, it would seem. Did that mean that Sigur, too worked for -

"When did you eat out and what exactly?" Trenna's voice cut into my thought.

I blinked and took a look at the alarm clock on the bedside table. But not only as a reference to his question, the bigger part of my working brain was desperately trying to memorize the time. As soon as I was back at work, I'd ask Blidgen about more transactions over my account and if I could give this time -

"About eight pm?" I suggested groggily. "Can't you ask Kestrel, I don't think I can remember anything much right now. My head feels as if a skyhook dropped on it."

Doctor Trenna padded my hand sympathetically. "I would give you something against the pain already, but I don't want to risk complications. If you are really poisoned, that might be your death."

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to remember everything.

"Sweetfish?" Trenna asked suddenly. "Those can entice allergic reactions, the symptoms are similar to fish poisoning."

He took some blood and made a few on-the-spot tests. I laid back, happy to be left to moaning pathetically. When I felt the prick of an injection, I opened my eyes and looked questioningly at Trenna.

"No worries, dear, this is against the pain."

I nodded weakly.

"Either you are allergic to the Sweetfish, which is my opinion, or the fish was bad. But since Kestrel had the same dishes as you had, I think the latter is rather unlikely." He smiled and padded my hand again.

"Your fiancé really had me worried here. He sounded as if you were dying on the spot. I'll leave you some painkillers, and if it gets worse again, you call me immediately, right?"

Again I nodded. "Sorry for the trouble."

"Don't worry, it's my job. And you'll be alright in no time. Stay in bed today and tomorrow. If you feel well by then, you can go back to work already. If not, I'll be back and you get some more free days."

He packed his things and left, turning at the door to wave goodbye. His expression was obviously meant to cheer me up, but I felt, I was light-years beyond that. Two days, two whole days in which my account was free for use. And there was nothing I could do. I didn't want to find out what Kestrel did if he suspected anything. If he was capable of charading through a whole relationship just to get access to the bank - it hurt to think it.

It hurt to think that nothing was true, nothing he told me, none of the small whispered compliments, none of the surprised exclamation, not a single word of love. I felt like crying, hit harder by the fact that he didn't love me than by his betrayal of my trust. If he really loved me, could I forgive?

The door opened and Kestrel tiptoed in. I looked at him, gazing at those well-known features as if I saw them for the first time. It was true, compassion was written all over his face, but wasn't there a little quirk at the corner of his mouth? What is really sympathy that sparkled in his eyes, or triumph for finally getting my retina scan?

Tired, I closed my eyes, trying to ban his face from my thoughts. Trin had told me often, that I was so lucky, to get a love like they are in the movies. But she had forgotten one thing: love in the movies was never for real. Should I have seen it, known it, been more suspicious? But why? Was it so unlikely that a man should be smitten with me from the first moment? I felt a tear squeezing its way through my eyelids. Was it so wrong to believe that I could be loved like that?

I almost jumped out of the bed, when his hand softly stroked my cheek. "hey, hey, no need to cry, darling. Everything is going to be alright."

I pressed my lips and lids shut, suppressing a sob, feeling the warm trickle of tears pool in my ear. I did not know what to do. I felt so helpless, committed, and I had brought it all on myself.

Kestrel placed a soft kiss on my forehead. "I'll put on some music, okay. Your favourite album, maybe it will help. And if there is anything, _anything_, call for me."

The subdued jizz sounds helped a lot to calm myself. I wondered if I was overreacting, jumping conclusions, fighting shadows where there was only sunshine. But I found no explanation for the incidents at work, and Kestrel, well. He had popped up at a suspicious moment, and if his overwrought, but so wonderful, way of courting me was anything, then it was suspicious. Unfortunately.

Facing the truth hurt, but I was no beauty queen. Plain, bordering on cute, at best, plain bordering on boring if you were honest about it. Of course, I was a good girl and deserved to be courted with all the pomp and ferocity Kestrel had showed, every girl deserved it. But how likely should that be, considering the myriad of girls on Coruscant alone?

If my head hadn't hurt still, I would have buried it under my pillow. Of course I had _wanted_ it to be true. Who wouldn't? But there was nobody else who could have used my account. And who was that mysterious employer of Kestrel? Royalty he had said, probably royally illegal, too. If Kestrel hadn't been lying. how could I ever know what was true and what not?

But I would go and talk to Mr. Blindgen - and to the police, of course. I would tell them everything I knew, however little that was. And Kestrel, Kestrel would probably kill me for it. I swallowed. I couldn't let him know I suspect anything. No matter what it took, and a nasty image including the two of us in a rather undressed state came immediately, if unbidden, to my mind, no matter what, I would not tell him. I would get out of this alive. And he would go to prison.

The resolution calmed me. Strength was something I knew I had. I would weather this situation. I could, would, had to. And when it was all over, I would have the time to piece together the remnant of my heart. Lying back, I forced myself to breathe regularly. Act first, feel later.


	6. Chapter 6

Those had been the longest 48 hours of my life. Even worse than waiting for the exam results, even worse that praying to get the job, even worse than fearing I might have lost it again. This topped everything easily.

Kestrel pampered me with devotion, and I was about to call it all a nightmare. He didn't give the slightest sign that anything was not the way it seemed. My determination wavered. What if I was jumping at shadows, what if my conclusions were all wrong. Did I really see those marks around my eye, or was it just the shock?

MY status of officially badly sick girl gave me breathing space, though. Kestrel didn't even try to more than kissing me. He brought me my favourite foods to the bed, put on my favourite music, borrowed my favourite holoflicks. If it had not been for that nagging at the back of my mind, it would have been a perfect sick-time.

But the nagging did not leave. And then, Trin came for a visit and it returned full force. Ever faithful Trin had managed to squeeze a visit into her full schedule and sat at my bed, happily nibbling on the sweets and chocolates strewn around. Kestrel brought us some sweetwater and excused himself. Men and girl's talk, it just doesn't go together.

"Your room looks like a flower shop," Trin commented as she flopped into a chair by my bed. "Did Kestrel buy them all? He must really love you." She looked around. "Or he's got a mightily bad conscience. Say, did he behave strange lately?"

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "He's not cheating me, if that's what you mean. He's hardly left my side since it happened."

"I hope he airs your room decently, otherwise you'd just suffocate." She examined the variety of chocolates and sweets on my bedside table. "He's not letting you starve, anyway. Lucky you, I'd rather be home and pampered, too. Mr. Blindgen is having hell of a temper lately."

I swallowed, but instead of explaining, she selected a box of chocolates and helped herself. I didn't mind. I felt like I had enough chocolate for the rest of my life.

"I tell you, whatever it was that bothered him before, has now hit rock bottom. Maybe you should be glad you're on sick leave, he's no fun to work under." With a sigh she ate another chocolate. "Better beware when you come back. You left a zoo and return into the Rancor's pit."

She shook her head, as if to get the thoughts out of her mind. And it seemed to work.

"I just have to tell you about that customer today," she said suddenly excited. "He was such a cutie, you have no idea. Not human, mind you, but who'd care." She ranted on about his beautiful olive skin, those high cheekbones and the hair, which was braided on his head.

"A real prince, too, where he comes from, and as rich as they come." She bit into a chocolate. "I was to show him around, and he was so nice, you wouldn't believe it. A real flirt, if you ask me. And he seemed truly interested. In me, I mean, in the bank goes without saying."

Her eyes grew distant and she weighed the half chocolate in her hand thoughtfully. "I gave him my number, you know, but don't tell Blindgen, he'll have a fit.. And he, the prince, I mean, took it with a wink. I 'm waiting for his call."

I shook my head weakly. As long as I knew Trin she has officially NOT been dating Karn. And I doubted that any alien prince, no matter how rich, could change that. Maybe it had been pheromones, I heard that those little buggers could jumble your perception pretty badly.

"So why are you going out with Karn tonight, then?" I wanted to know.

"Oh, silly," Trin laughed. "Just because I'm waiting, doesn't mean I have to be idle!"

She was about to leave, but on an impulse, I grabbed her sleeve. "Trin, please?"

She gave me a strange look, and I realized I must look like a desperate beggar. But I didn't care.

"Please, tell Mr. Blindgen I didn't call him, because I wanted to talk to him under four eyes. Will you?"

She nodded. "If it's that important to you, I will. But it does not make much sense."

"It will to him, Trin," I assured her. "It will make sense to him."

She sighed, but I knew she'd do it. And then she left. I laid back and closed my eyes. So whoever had used my account before was doing so again. And I still had no other explanation but Kestrel. It hurt. I hurt. With my eyes firmly shut I tried to think of any alternative, that would leave Kestrel in good grace - and in love with me.

When he returned to my bed, Kestrel had another bouquet of flowers and smiling at me, placed it beneath the other ones on the windowsill.

"Did she bother you much? She looks like a real chatterbox."

I shook my head. "Trin didn't have enough time to get warm. So I only got the gist. Most of it was gibberish about a customer anyway."

He arranged the blossoms a little. "To go easy on your stomach, I'll make some filled whitebread for dinner, is that okay for you?"

I looked into his worried face and wondered. But I only nodded and mumbled some thanks. How could he be? I mean, he was so nice still. I stared at the new flowers. Carnations, a huge bunch, and my favourite kind, too: white with blood-red fringes. So far he had never brought me any because, because -

I stared.  
I swallowed.  
- because carnations were flowers for the dead.


	7. Chapter 7

I was so glad when I could finally get up again. Kestrel had fussed incredibly over me, and it had taken a lot of talking to convince him that I felt wonderful and, yes, I did want to go to work. He fussed all breakfast long and insisted on packing my lunch himself. It was hard not to be annoyed. When I finally got away, my heart was pounding. I was sure everybody could see that something was wrong with me, that I was a failure as upstanding citizen and a blemish walking the streets of Coruscant.

I hurried along the sidewalks, but I did not stop at the nearest police station as I had planned. instead I decided to talk to Mr. Blindgen first. I felt, I owed him an explanation, and was afraid, the police would not let me go, once they had me under protection. I reached the bank faster than ever, hurried through the controls at the entrance and rushed up to my office.

I did not reach it. Before I had put a foot down in our corridor, Mr. Blindgen's personal secretary blocked my way. She looked determined as she surveyed me.

"Mr. Blindgen wants to see you immediately," she ordered and I was ushered directly into Blindgen's office. My boss looked worried in the extreme, but also as if he didn't get any sleep or food in the last two days.

"Sit," he said without bothering to greet me. "Do you have the slightest idea what has been happening here, while you were at home?" He was certainly annoyed, but also - frightened?

"Maybe," I volunteered. "I think I found out who uses my account and," I swallowed, "I wanted to go to the police. But I thought, I'd better tell you first."

Blindgen began to pace his small office, hands clasped behind his back. "The police wants you, because, apparently Black Sun has put a rather high bounty on your head. The police is very interested in finding out why."

He stopped and stared at me, before he began to pace again. "Then CosSec turns up on our doorstep, represented by a Mr. Hal Horn who seems as keen on getting his hands on you as the police. More so, because he wants your help in bringing down Black Sun while the police only wants you for washing money for that organisation."

Suddenly he stopped and dropped heavily into his own chair. "And finally, Prince Xizor himself has the nerve to show up here and inquire for you. Trin took him on a tour through the offices instead, but he said," Blindgen cleared his throat, " that he and you had some 'unfinished personal business' he'd like to terminate. What did you DO, Lorna?"

I had followed his elaborations with growing dread, not believing that things could happen so fast. Yes, I had believed, Kestrel would eventually try to silence me, but so fast? How did he know I only mentioned to Trin - and he wasn't even in the room at that time. Did he have it bugged? I didn't put it past me. But still, bounties, and Black Sun and Xizor himself. That could impossibly be all because of me. I swallowed.

"I think, well, no, I am pretty certain that it is Kestrel Ardens, my fiancé that is using my account." And I rushed into a report of how we met, and great it had been and everything up until that dinner at 'All Oceans' after which I passed out. "He used that to take my retina scan," I told Mr. Blindgen miserably. "But I didn't dare call you because I am not sure what else he would do."

"Well, seems he was pretty busy while you lay in bed," Blindgen said. "Trin gave me your message, too. I think that was a good idea, the comm lines are probably bugged."

"As is my room," I added quietly. "Because I never gave Kestrel the tiniest sign that anything was amiss. Only the message I gave Trin, and he was not around then." I shook my head, but I appreciated his attempt to encourage me. But my outlook was more than bleak. With each and every bounty hunter and each and every bounty hunter wannabe on my trail, where could I go?

"I commed Horn as soon as you entered the building," Blindgen tried to soothe me. "He said not to move and he'd be here in half an hour, less if he breaks all traffic rules. And I also called CorSec in general and the police. Both of which said not to move and they'll send somebody."

I quivered in the chair, holding my fingers laced tightly in my lap so I wouldn't squirm outright.

"But, but that means they know I'm here!" I squeaked. My first impulse was to jump up and run, but I had no idea where to go. If my home was bugged, so were probably the cameras of the bank, and if that was so, then Black Sun knew I was here. Why did the police not do things like that, then they'd know, too, then they'd already be here.

I stopped. Why was nobody here to collect me. It was clear that I'd return from sick leave today, so it would not have been a problem for either CorSec nor the police to turn up at the right time. What could deter them? What could deter strong legal forces like that? I did not dare imagine.

I almost jumped when the door opened after a short knock, but it was only his secretary.

"Mr. Blindgen, a box has just been delivered. It is addressed to both, you and Ms. Kees." She seemed confused, and held out the small brown box.

I looked at Blindgen, but he seemed as lost as I was. Finally, he just took it and nodded at his secretary. She vanished and softly closed the door behind her. The box was not very big, maybe enough for a small pair of shoes, and except our names and the address of the bank it was completely nondescript.

Since my name was written first, Blindgen gave it to me with a shrug. Reluctantly, I took the box and opened it. I almost vomited all over my boss, when I jerked my head away from the content. Even with my eyes clamped shut I could see them: broken, twisted, and bloodied all over their guts partly spilled and the eyes -- those eyes! -- white with fear. No denga was ever meant to find such a terrible end.

I choked with tears rising to my eyes. If Kestrel had done that -- how could he? But the picture of the torn bodies did not leave. I felt Blindgen's hand on my shoulder. It was a helpless gesture, but right then, it kept my shaking world from flipping over. I opened my eyes to look at him, and I didn't care at all, that tears were running down my face.

He had closed the box again, but his knuckles around it where white with strain. "There was a message in the top," he said quietly. "You're next."

What he didn't tell me was, that it had been written with the blood of my four furballs. He was a good man.

The secretary poked her head in again, saying that a man was making a huge fuss at the reception, insisting to see Mr. Blindgen immediately. Through the open door I recognized the voice of Kestrel.

I felt all blood draining from my face as I looked at my boss and shook my head. Then I pushed my way past his secretary, shoving her into the room in the process and ran towards the back of the offices.

It was common knowledge, and as commonly forgotten that all building had an emergency exit at their perceived back. I guess the whole of Coruscant was connected by these half secret fire exits, stairs and plain corridors leading through the backsides of all buildings. It was a maze, but I still remembered the way form the back of our offices into the next street. I ran.

Behind me, a shot rang out and panicked voices. I heard Mr. Blindgen's protest fall silent after another shot, and Kesterl's voice raising over all others. He was asking for me, and a choir of frightened voices answered dutifully. He laughed as another volley hit the clerks.

Kestrel's laughter rang in my ears. How could he ever do such a thing? I wiped the tears away with my arm so I could see better and heard my fiancé come after me. Ex-fiancé, if I had a say in that. Or he for that matter. I ran down the emergency stairs taking two step at a time, almost stumbling, when the door screeched open again.

"You run all you want, darling," his voice rang out above me. "You will get nowhere. The bounty my boss put on your head was high enough to attract even," he paused for effect, "Boba Fett."

I stumbled over a step and rolled to the next platform. Kestrel must have heard the noise and laughed again. It sounded hollow in the stairwell and I wondered how I could ever have loved that laughter.

"Surprise again, darling. Do you want me to tell you how many escaped him, or do you know? And do you know about his methods? Maybe you should just stop and let me get you. We'll have one last go for old times sake, and I blow off your head at the best part. Can you think of a better way to die?"

I jerked open the next best door and tumbled onto the small platform a storey over the next level. If the door had not banged shut behind me, I probably would have jumped, just to be out of hearing range. I flew down the stairs, taking four at a time and landed on the duracrete with a heavy thud. Not waiting for the pain in my knees to subside I bolted around the next corner and began a sprint. I had no idea where I was or where I was going. I didn't even think about using a roundabout route to lose Kestrel.

Kestrel. The man who - I couldn't even think about it now. The meeting in the pet shop, the caf, the meetings, dinners, movies, pretending to love me - that one hurt most of all. Pretending to love me. I felt tears rise in my eyes again and the street began to blur. Behind me the now dreaded laughter of Kestrel echoed in the street.

I ran. I ran like I had never run before, my heart pounding almost in my throat, my lungs desperately trying to grasp enough oxygen from the short gasps I made. I knew I was in good shape, but I heard him catch up. I made the mistake of turning to look and ran headfirst into some strange soft and hard wall.

I lost my balance, stumbled, and the wall reached out and grabbed my arm as I fell. As I turned to see what I had actually run into, I saw Kestrel come into view from corner of my eye. Then Boba Fett's helmet came into focus, just before the world around me exploded into light and speed -- and then into pain.

When I came to myself again later, I found myself lying under a heap of debris, alive only because something had made a huge dent in a slate of durasteel before that dropped on me, thus creating a little niche. I felt pretty tangled, and though I hurt everywhere, it seemed that nothing was actually broken. One of my eyes was glued shut with blood, and the other could only see a little light shining through the cracks of the rubble around me, but that seemed to be the worst.

Outside there was an eerie silence. I began to wonder whether my eardrums were broken, when I heard the soft scraping sound of little paws somewhere above me. I began to move tentatively, and soon found that most of the debris was rather light, and the damage had come from the high velocity it must have had at the impact. Slowly I began to work my way out.

When I had finally freed myself from the pile, I was sure the whole neighbourhood had been awoken by the clatter I made. But that proved to be wrong. The street was deserted, except for a few skin-rats that nibbled at the waste lying around. It must have been the scratching of their paws that I had heard earlier. I watched them for a while, envying them their simple little lives. Willing this picture to block the last image of my dengas.

When I looked into the other direction, I saw the shape of Boba Fett still on the ground only a few paces away. For a moment my heart stopped cold, but then I realized that most likely he wouldn't be lying here, if he could have gotten away. Carefully, I crept closer.

The caution proved needless; the bounty hunter lay completely still. I crouched next to him for a long minute, but he didn't move. Reluctantly, I reached out to feel for his pulse, suddenly remembering that I would have to take off his helmet first. Praying his head would keep together without it as well, I carefully removed the green piece of armour.

He looked dead. His face was twisted as if in pain, the eyes closed, his lips pressed tightly together. Gently, I laid my fingers on his neck and applied a little pressure -- nothing. I let my hand hover over his nose for a while, then lowered my face over his, but even the sensitive skin around my eyes couldn't feel the slightest breath. I sat back on my heels, contemplating my options.

Not that they were many. As soon as I showed my face anywhere, Black Sun would be breathing down my neck, not to mention each and every bounty hunter in the galaxy. If I wanted to pretend I was actually dead, I'd need a new face, and I didn't have the money for an effective reconstruction of my features. I looked down at the dead bounty hunter.

The past few months have been difficult, difficult and extremely taxing. But I have adapted, haven't I?

I stare at the face of the woman that is looking back at me from the mirror -- stare at the helmet under her arm…

_Who am I?_


End file.
